Message Away
by Stormcrown201
Summary: After his resurrection, Shepard emails his family to let them know he's alive. They don't react as well as he would like. Later, Garrus comes to lend the shoulder to cry on that his friend desperately needs.


**From:** Nicholas Shepard

 **To:** Mark Shepard; Hannah Shepard; Emily Johnson; Anthony Shepard; Jessica Waters; Tobias Shepard

Yeah, it's me.

DON'T CLOSE THIS EMAIL. THIS ISN'T SPAM. IT IS ME.

I don't know where to start. I've been sitting at my desk for I don't know how long, just thinking of what to say. I don't know what to say.

They tell me it's been two years. I still can't believe it. Two years have gone by, and it feels for me like no time has passed at all. I don't remember anything after I got blown out of the _Normandy_ while it exploded around me. It feels like I woke up only moments later. I'm still trying to process it.

I don't know. It's a lot, to say the least. Don't ask me how I feel. I don't know.

And when you get this, I can't imagine how you'll be feeling. Two years of grieving me, and then I just show up out of nowhere? It must be terrible. If I had a choice in the matter, I wouldn't have done it like this.

I didn't have a choice.

I'm still trying to work it all out. It'd be better if we talked this all over in person. Is there any way that we can maybe link up? I need to see you all. I need to know how you're doing. God knows what I've missed.

This feels painfully inadequate. But I don't know what else to say, except…

I'm sorry.

Nick

P.S. If you want proof, here's a picture.

[image attached]

* * *

 **From:** Mark Shepard

 **To:** Nicholas Shepard

Just so you know, my email has been blowing up like you wouldn't believe these past few days, and I've received about two dozen different calls, mostly from the top brass, and there's another waiting on me while I type this. They've all only had one subject.

You're right, you have no idea how this feels. Two years we all spent mourning you, and for your mother and me, the pain's never really gone away. Then what happens? We get one seemingly innocuous little email that rocks our worlds to the core yet again. I've already heard from your mother and all your siblings. Let's just say there's been a lot of swearing and crying. And some screaming.

You don't know what you've done to us. I believe you when you say you had no choice in this matter, but now I'm questioning everything I know about what happened two years ago. Were you really dead, or only comatose? It's hard for me to believe that Cerberus successfully pulled off the first recorded resurrection in history. It's hard for any of us to believe that. I know this is a strange galaxy, but this is almost beyond belief.

All the same, I can't believe that you would fake your death, especially to join a known terrorist organisation. I'm willing to accept that there's more going on than I know about—yet. I want to know what's going on; we all do. I think we have a right. You had better have some answers.

Your mother and I are already on our way to the Citadel. Anthony will have a few days off work at the same time we're there. You'd better be there as well, dammit. Jessica's already said she isn't coming—she's furious, and I understand why—and Emily and Toby won't be able to make it in person, but they'll be linking up with us. They'll have their answers, too.

I'm sorry that I don't sound happy about this, but this is insane. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything. Once you've explained things and we have them sorted out—well, maybe. Let's just wait and see. I'm not as angry as I must sound. I just don't know what to make of all this.

Hoping to see you soon,

Dad

* * *

 **From:** Hannah Shepard

 **To:** Nicholas Shepard

What is this? Where the hell have you been and what the hell have you been _doing_?

Never mind. I'm sure I'll find out everything soon enough, or I'll know the reason why. No doubt your father gave you the whole spiel already, so I'll spare you, though I'm not feeling particularly merciful right at the moment. That was the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and now I find that our pain was all for nothing? Dammit, Nicholas!

I know, it was out of your hands. But even so. As you say, you can't imagine how this feels. Maybe this will be a joyful event soon enough, but right now, there's too much confusion and so little known. I know you'll explain yourself, but your explanation had better be satisfactory.

I'll give you the rundown of what's happened in the family since you've been gone. Your father's now a Rear Admiral; I've become a Captain and the CO of the SSV _Orizaba_. Your aunt Samantha's been promoted to head of her department at her high school. Emily's now a Lieutenant Commander, just like you, and recently took over as XO of the SSV _Rome_. Nathan's a Lieutenant Commander, too, and also on the _Rome_ , but he's still a navigator. Anthony's become a junior diplomat on the Citadel; his injuries from the attack have healed nicely. Toby's now a 1st Lieutenant and is stationed aboard the SSV _Aconcagua_. Jess and Chris have had their first baby, a girl. Her name's Katherine, and she was born in July last year. She's the sweetest thing.

There. Just so you're all good and ready. I'm not all that sure you deserve it, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

See you on the Citadel.

Mum

* * *

 **From:** Emily Johnson

 **To:** Nicholas Shepard

 _Crisse de câlice de tabarnak d'osti de sacrament de trou vierge!_

Fuck you, arsehole. I know I told Dad I'd be linking up with you on the Citadel, but I've changed my mind. I don't know who or what you are anymore—maybe I never did. I _do_ know you're not worth this shit. I've got better things to do.

Emily

 _[You are now blocked from sending emails to this address.]_

* * *

 **From:** Anthony Shepard

 **To:** Nicholas Shepard

I categorically refuse to believe anything until I see you for myself. Until then, I will assume that this is all one big crazy dream I'm having.

But if I haven't lost my mind, and it is you, then welcome back to the land of the living, I guess. Assuming you were ever really dead. You've done more than most people, but I find it hard to believe that even you could come back from death.

But also… what the fuck, Nicholas. Seriously. You owe us an explanation. It had better be a good one. It had better make all the grief we went through for our brother—and son in Mum and Dad's case—worth it. And that'll be no mean feat. Because you're right, you've got no idea how this feels.

Still, no point in ranting at you over an email. I assume you know that Mum and Dad are coming to the Citadel to see you and Emily and Toby will be linking up with us. We'll be meeting up at Dark Star Lounge at 1800. After everything that's happened, you better not be even a minute late. Hell, you better be ten minutes early, do you hear me?

See you then. I hope.

Anthony

* * *

 **From:** Jessica Waters

 **To:** Nicholas Shepard

I screamed when I opened this message and saw the name of the sender. Nearly jumped out of my skin, too. Scared the hell out of Katherine; she was feeding.

Who's Katherine? Oh, yeah, that's my daughter. Your niece. You would know that if you hadn't faked your death to join a bunch of no-life terrorists.

 _Bullshit_ you were dead. You really want me to believe that Cerberus brought you back? That you're the first proven resurrection in recorded history? Yeah, I don't think so. Everyone else is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt—I'm not. I don't think there's any to give.

God only knows why you broke cover now to contact us, but frankly, I don't care. You faked your death and emotionally ruined us all in the process, and now you show up again, in the employ of terrorists!

Get fucked, Nicholas! I never liked the spacer life, but I hold true to the same principles of the Alliance that our family believes in! The same principles that I thought _you_ believed in! Now I see that it was all a lie—you don't care about the Alliance or any of us. You just care about Cerberus, don't you?

This will be the last you'll be hearing from me, you can bet, and don't you dare try to contact me again. I don't need you and your shit in my life.

Eat _shit_ , you traitorous bastard. _You should have stayed dead._

Jessica

* * *

 **From:** Tobias Shepard

 **To:** Nicholas Shepard

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. _FUCK_.

DUDE. What the fuck IS this? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? _WHAT IS GOING ON?_

I've been running around like a fucking chicken with its head cut off since the news got out. I didn't want to believe your email—even with the picture, I was _sure_ it had to be a fake. I mean, my dead brother, who got _spaced_ after his ship blew up, suddenly emailing me out of the blue _two goddamned years later_ , saying that he's alive? Fuck off with that shit. But then everyone called and screamed the house down, and then I started seeing your face on the news again, and I realised it was true.

Christ, Nick. Just… Christ. I guess they weren't kidding when they said you could do the impossible. Is there anything you _can't_ do?

Now that you've apparently come back from the dead, I guess that's a redundant question. But damn you, I want answers, and I'll _get_ answers. Coming back from death? Working with Cerberus? After everything that you saw them do? There had better be an explanation for this, or else I'll start thinking you've come back wrong.

I'm going to go and have a drink. Maybe scream some more. I'll be linking up with you and Mum and Dad and Anthony on the Citadel, but you better reply to this email, anyway. Part of me still isn't convinced that this is real. And honestly, part of me is hoping it's not.

After everything that's happened, it's just a little too much. I don't know. I want to be happy that you're okay after all, but things are just so crazy. I need to think and find out what's going on. After that, I guess we'll see.

See you soon.

Toby

* * *

When Garrus had known the Commander two years ago, he had always been relatively quiet, though he had never been what Garrus would have called particularly introverted. When he had eaten with the crew, he had never said more than what he felt he needed to say, had merely listened to the conversation taking place around him and chimed in when he thought it necessary. Garrus had appreciated that in him, and when he had boarded the new _Normandy_ , he could see that death had not changed that about him.

Still, Garrus couldn't help but fancy tonight that the Commander was somewhat quieter than usual. At dinner that night, he barely said a word, and his eyes were distant and unfocused, as though he was focusing on something other than the crew's conversation. It would take an idiot not to guess at the reasons for his silence, for they were many, but something told Garrus that it was another matter entirely that had the Commander preoccupied. Even after they had stolen the _Normandy_ and the Commander keeping to himself would have been entirely reasonable, he had still acted his usual self at dinner—except where Kaidan was concerned, but that was none of Garrus' business. This was quite different.

As such, after he had cleaned up and grabbed one of his OSDs, Garrus took the elevator to the top deck of the ship. He had hardly taken two steps out when the door swished open, but he hovered on the threshold anyway, waiting for Shepard to approach.

The man was sitting at his computer terminal, staring at something that Garrus couldn't see. At the noise of the door opening, he swivelled around in his chair, and when their eyes met, he stood up and approached. "Garrus, hey," he said. He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, something that Garrus had learned meant a human's smile was genuine. "Was there something you needed?"

Garrus shook his head. "I just wanted to talk," he said. "I thought you could use the company."

Shepard's face twisted into an expression that Garrus couldn't quite read, and his shoulders slumped. "I sure could," he muttered. "Come in."

Garrus followed him inside. Opposite the empty fish tank, he noticed a couch; Shepard pointed him to it, and Garrus sat down, watching the Commander as he also sat. His friend looked exhausted and strained in a way that Garrus hadn't seen from him before—in a way, he supposed, that he couldn't afford to show in front of the crew.

"You were quiet today, Shepard," Garrus said after a brief pause. "I was wondering if something was bothering you."

Shepard looked almost relieved at his words, and Garrus supposed that he was quite right. Perhaps he was in need of venting about something. Well, he knew from personal experience not to bottle these things up, and he could listen to the Commander talk for hours if he had to.

"There was," Shepard admitted. He ran a hand through his close-cropped, coiled hair and sighed. "My family… I emailed them as soon as I was able to, letting them know that I'm alive and all. I looked at my email just before dinner and… they'd all answered. Their responses…" He trailed off, the expression leaving his eyes again as he stared beyond Garrus.

"Not what you were hoping for?" Garrus said. When Shepard nodded, he made a small noise of disapproval and confusion. "I thought they'd have been thrilled."

Shepard snorted and shook his head, focusing on Garrus again. "Thrilled? My elder sister has blocked my email address, and my younger sister told me to go eat shit and that I should have _stayed_ dead. My brothers and my parents were less hostile, but they didn't sound too happy about it, either. Anthony gave me a 'welcome back', but that's about it. There was a lot of dragging me over the coals for supposedly faking my death… and for working with Cerberus."

Garrus blinked. "How'd they find out about that?" he asked.

"I don't know," Shepard said. "I don't really care about that right now, as it is. In any case, we're en route to the Citadel so that I can meet up with my parents and Anthony and explain everything. I hope they'll be a bit happier to see me once I've told them what's going on. I mean, I can understand why they're so upset; it _has_ been two years. Still, I…" He sighed. "I would have liked for them to have had a little more faith in me, and for my sisters in particular to be a bit more open-minded. I don't know. Maybe I'm asking too much of them. _This_ would look bad to an outsider, wouldn't it?"

Garrus considered that for a moment and then shrugged. "Perhaps, but as you said, they should have been more open-minded. They know you, Shepard, just as I know you. Spirits, they know you better than I do."

"That's what I thought," Shepard said. Quite abruptly, he sounded miserable. "I thought they knew me enough to know I would have a reason for this. But my sisters said that maybe they never knew me at all…" He shook his head again, hand tightening in his curls. "And what's worse is that they've moved on without me. I mean, you'd expect that, but I'm two years behind. My dad's an Admiral now, my mum's captain of her own ship, Emily's become XO of another ship, Anthony's now a junior diplomat, Toby's a 1st Lieutenant, and Jess and her husband have had a _baby_. And I missed it all. And if things go bad when we have our meeting, they may not even let me try to catch up. I just…"

Abruptly, the Commander started to glow faintly blue—clothes, dark skin, and all. Garrus blinked and cleared his throat, and Shepard looked down at himself. A few seconds later, the glow vanished, disappearing nearly as quickly as it had appeared. He remembered that back on the first _Normandy_ , whenever Shepard had got upset, his control of his biotic abilities had started to slip, manifesting itself in a glow such as the one that Garrus had just seen. After Virmire, the glow had persisted for a long time. Well, at least that hadn't changed, like so much else had.

"You were there for my meeting with the Council," Shepard continued, voice ragged. "What a disaster that was. 'Ah, yes, Reapers…'" Garrus' hands clenched into fists in remembrance and anger as Shepard imitated Councillor Sparatus, with some skill. "And that's not all. I can't get in contact with my old friends. Technically, I'm no longer part of the Alliance, which I was born and bred into. It's the biggest part of my identity, and now I don't even have that. I have no idea where most of the old team is. I can barely even wrap my head around the fact that I _died_ and came back to life. Where should I start with that? And now my family is on the fast track to completely rejecting me. What it's going to be like when, _if_ , I see Kaidan again…" His voice cracked.

Garrus leant forward. The first _Normandy_ being as small as it had been, he'd been aware that something had been going on between Shepard and the lieutenant, though he'd never dared ask what. He'd assumed, clearly erroneously, that it had not run as deep as it now seemed. "You care for Kaidan," he said, a little stupidly.

"A lot," Shepard admitted. "Fraternisation be damned, there was… something there. Something… real. And we were just beginning when the… the attack…" He trailed off, shaking his head. Garrus couldn't be sure, but his eyes appeared to be shining. "Nobody will give me his email, and not even Anderson will tell me where he is. I need to tell him the truth, or it's going to be all the worse for him when he does see me again, but if I can't get to him, or if he acts the same way as my sisters—" Shepard dropped his face into his hands for a moment. "I couldn't take that rejection, too."

"If he does," Garrus said firmly, reaching out to put a hand on Shepard's knee, "then he doesn't deserve you."

Shepard let out a whimper, and Garrus realised at once that he'd said the wrong thing. "I can't bear that thought," he said, and his voice broke. "I—I _love_ him."

Garrus tightened his grip. All the comfort that he wished he could give to Shepard was in his subharmonics, and he would forever regret that the Commander couldn't hear it. "Don't lose hope yet, Shepard," he told him. "Your family may have taken this badly, but there's no guarantee that Kaidan will. Never thought I'd hear myself say this, but if you love him, have some faith in him."

The Commander nodded. "I should, yeah," he said. "You're right. I'm just—I'm scared, Garrus. I know I act like a total badass around everyone else, but I'm human, too, and I'm—I'm frightened. And I feel… so alone. And if Kaidan turns me away, just as my sisters have done… I couldn't bear it."

For a moment, Garrus hesitated, and then he moved over so that he was sitting next to Shepard. He put his other arm around his shoulders with some caution; to his slight surprise, Shepard didn't resist, and in fact seemed to lean into his touch. "I know," he said. "But just remember that I haven't rejected you. I meant it when I said that I'd be here if you need me. The rest of the galaxy could turn you away, and I'd still have your back." Once again, he wished that Shepard could hear his subharmonics, as his sincerity was in them as much as it was in his voice.

Shepard looked up at him. They held each other's gaze for a few moments, and then Shepard smiled again. It was tense and a little teary, but this time, it reached his eyes. "Thanks, Garrus," he said thickly. "I always knew I could count on you."

"You've got to have the back of at least _somebody_ here," Garrus said. He now pulled the OSD out of one of his pockets and showed it to Shepard. "Now… I've got something loaded up on here that I thought we could watch. It would take your mind off things."

Shepard's smile widened. "So long as it's not porn, I'm game."

Garrus laughed. "Absolutely not. They're a few old historical dramas from Earth. One of them is about the Battle of Remagen."

Those words made a spark come into Shepard's still-shining eyes. "That's the battle from which the ship that I was born on got its name. That one first." Garrus nodded and quickly set about firing up Shepard's holoscreen and loading the contents of the OSD onto it.

As Garrus had hoped, once the film started, Shepard promptly forgot about his troubles, mostly, in favour of watching it with the eye of a critic and explaining the historical context of the plot as succinctly as he could to Garrus, who did his best to keep up. Ultimately, they were only able to watch the one, but by the time Garrus got up to leave, Shepard appeared much better and happier, as though he hadn't a care in the world.

"Thanks, Garrus," he said as Garrus headed for the door. "I needed that."

Garrus looked back at him and nodded once. "Any time, Shepard," he responded. "As I said—I'll be here if you need me." The Commander's smile broadened at that, and that was the last thing Garrus saw before the door closed behind him.


End file.
